Thinking on the past and future are different activities so it’s hard to compare them in this way. The past is content. The past is fixed events to review and draw conclusions from. The future is fantasy – it doesn’t exist.
So do I spend more time reminiscing/regretting or planning/wishing? I’d like to say I keep a healthy balance of remembering to hope, regretting to avoid, and studying to plan.
But I think I spend the bulk of my time with my mind dreaming. Some dreams are tangible, others are for entertainment purposes only. I imagine myself in situations I’ve never shown the resolve it would take to be in.
I imagine myself thinner. I imagine myself more confident and patient. I have complete conversations with the men I’ve loved where things go… differently. I imagine my writing is discovered on a poorly maintained, low-traffic blog and I’m approached by Netflix for their next blockbuster rom-com.
I imagine red carpet walks with my best friend at the premiere of my latest movie. I imagine boldly representing myself in the office of some Hollywood hot-shot over royalties and my expectations and how I won’t take a penny less than some exorbitant amount of money for my masterpiece.
The things that I imagine typically lead to me remembering why those things are so out of reach. I remember that I don’t communicate well verbally until I’m yelling and crying. That I stutter and shake until I break down. I remember that I push most men away because I don’t want things to get good enough to hurt when it’s over.
I remember that I’m too scared to publish my poetry traditionally so I’ve only pushed small-batch, self-published projects that fall short because I can’t market myself because on most days I don’t know my worth.
I remember that I haven’t been able to finish a book or a screenplay because I’m terrified of submitting it and being rejected.
Then I regret that I let any of those things stop me.
Then I hope I can turn it around with my plans and resolutions. I start setting lofty goals to “write something every day” or “be more active” and I’m so excited that I wear myself out and I need a nap.
So, I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know. I do know for sure that I spend way more time thinking than doing.